illustration by Tanya Shatsheva
she said "my life hurts." i held
her hands, and replied
"sometimes, this is what it
means to be alive."
-nayyirah waheed
I’ve
been thinking a lot recently about all of the things I am able to carry with
me, every single day. The many Me’s that have taken up residence inside my
skin. I’ve realized that these different versions of myself don’t need to fight
for the forefront, there doesn’t need to be a “winner.” All of them together
make up the holistic me, the unique code that was written just for this very
flesh. Looking back, I can begin to notice different parts of my life when I
let a certain Me drive or when I decided that one was more important than the
other. Or even when I tried to throw all
of them away and create something from scratch, arguably the worst damage that
can be done to a human soul – to take hold of it and wrench it and try to break
it, to grip it between your hands and tear and then try to fill in the holes
with something artificial and temporary. Because that’s just it – it’s fitting
a square peg into a round hole, its taking a random piece of cardboard and
thinking that you can make it work as the final piece of your puzzle. It’s just
not gonna work.
Now,
that doesn’t mean that growth and change isn’t possible. I think that the
beauty of having all this nuance to yourself is that you are completely
self-sufficient, at the core of it all – you need only to recognize this
ability and learn how to foster it. You know the answers, you have access to
the depths of your wonderings, but it takes raw honesty with yourself and with
others to unlock this potential.
In
this week’s newsletter from one of my favorite blog’s, The Simply Luxurious
Life, writer Shannon said, “I have come to realize a liberating truth: we hold
within us all that we need if we can just find the courage to learn how to
access it, tap into it and let it do what it is capable of doing.” She speaks
of courage, which I think is an essential piece of the equation that is often
lost, especially on myself. To even have
the desire to explore this potential
is incredibly brave – being vulnerable is scary, facing possibilities is
sometimes a risk that doesn’t seem worth the taking. Sometimes not knowing the
answer is easiest, ignorance is bliss.
But
then where does that leave us?
Broken.
Battling. Fighting for control, for understanding, for some kind of peace in
this shattered world. Because we all carry things, we all have invisible armor
on every. damn. day. Armor that both shelters us from the full blunt of
feelings and denies us access into the full depth of being. I’ve always, always been one of those “let’s jump
headfirst into the embers” type of people, for better or for worse, so I’ve
spent the last few years of my life attempting to rip off that armor like a
Band-Aid, which has led to some of the most shame and loneliness but also the
most gratitude and insight.
The
Bible (Ecclesiastes 3:1) says “To every thing there is a season,” and this I
truly believe. We ebb and we flow, but you can’t define yourself or your life
at any one moment by either the ebb or the flow. More than the whole being
greater than the sum of its parts, I think we are the sum of our parts plus
something more – we are all of the pain and all of the success that we carry
inside of us, but we are also how we choose to see the world and how we decide
we want to interact with it. I think this may be the root of my issue with
vulnerability – I have such a hard time digging really deep down with people
and giving them more than metaphors and generalities. Yes, I talk about bits
and pieces of my experience, but I am 100%
confident when I say that there is not a human on this earth that knows the
depth of pain or the full force of evil that has once lived in my heart. Just as no one knows the amount of happiness and empathy and love I carry with me. I
write and I read and I think a lot, in line with the whole
throwing-myself-into-the-fire thing, but I really struggle with giving these
bits of myself away. I never want to be seen as those hurtful bits, I don’t want to
lead with my pain.
And I think that’s where the action piece
comes in – every day you must decide how your name tag is going to read. I’m
Madeline, and I like flowers and beautiful things and deep discussions but also
reality television and buying too many shoes. I have darkness inside of me but
also sunshine. And that’s cool. So do you. You must commit to seeing the world
in a certain way, in an outlook that acknowledges the bad bits in people but
also lifts up the good and fosters its growth, valuing the dark and light all
the same.
We
forget what our purpose in life truly
is, beyond our diplomas and our salaries and our things. At the end of the day
we are here, on this ground, under this sky, to just be – to survive however we
choose. As animalistic as that sounds, that thought has offered me the most
clarity. I am a living, breathing thing and if I want to keep living and
breathing I have to do certain things. But the way in which I go about doing
those things is totally up to me. I need to eat, but my relationship to
nourishment comes down to the way I view myself, the values I hold, the life I
want to lead. I need to sleep, but the way I define rest is completely
personal. Yet again it is so important to constantly revisit your values, to be
ruthless in your pursuit of learning and growth if you want to be fulfilled
(note: not happy. I don’t think you can be happy all the time or that you’d
even want to be. Boring with a capital B. And also impossible). And maybe you
don’t care much about fulfillment or happiness or learning from mistakes, and
that’s a choice, too.
If
you’re hurting, or if whatever you are carrying with you seems particularly
heavy today, that can be a gift – it’s like the world is speaking to you, is
tugging at your shoulder and trying to tell you something. By accessing this
hurt or analyzing the heaviness, you are getting at the true root of your
suffering. You are not only scratching the itch, you are learning why that itch
is there in the first place. And that doesn’t mean that you won’t itch again or
even that your scratching did anything to make the itch go away – but now you
know why it is there, and you can carry that with you and move on. You can
choose to lead with something else. Hi, I’m Madeline and I like purple, as
opposed to Hi, I’m Madeline and dammit does my heart really hurt. Even though
both of those things may be true. I’d rather you know upfront that purple is my
jam and discover through trust and honesty my other nuances.
Now
more than ever I feel confused about the dichotomies of the world – I have
finally begun to feel the most profound joy that I’ve longed for my whole life,
but I also feel the heaviness of the world with so much force. I’m scared for
the future, I see the world breaking in front of my eyes, I see so much grief
and loss and confusion and there are so many reasons why I want to throw up my
hands and stop swimming. And I think I’m tired of beating myself up about that.
Yeah – life’s hard. The world is a big ole place full of cracks and bruises and
fire but also full of sunshines and outstretched arms and picnics and wrinkles
in the corner of eyes because of so much smiling.
Raechel
Myers on the She Reads Truth blog verbalized very well this double-sided capability
that I often feel is conflicting, but I now realize is just the definition of
balance. “Life and death are not respecters of each other,” she says. “Mourning
and dancing – they don’t always take turns. Not in my story, not in yours, not
in our world. While people celebrate weddings and first steps and the sweetness
of life, the broken world continues to break our hearts, sometimes at the very
same time. The tension is there – wondering when to celebrate and when to cry.
Often the best thing we can do is acknowledge the tension and do both…”
Do
both. Carry the things you’re carrying but accept help when someone offers to bear
some of the weight for you. And maybe on the days when you’re feeling bouncy
and light, go out and support those who are waning or sinking that day. Hold
the black and the white in both your hands and allow them to weave together a
path that is uniquely yours. There are four seasons, there is night and day,
there is water and fire. And we need it all. Just as you need all of the things
you have experienced to give subtlety and refinement to your purpose. Will
experiences define you or give you conviction?
And
that’s all on that for now.
xx
mm
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