On Forgiveness

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. Not because I am enraged, jealous, or holding a grudge. But because I realized that I have been at war with someone who will never let me win--myself.

My days have been a little hazy and my head has felt confused. At first I just thought that I'd become a little too addicted to my cup of morning joe, but then I realized that even some dark French roast couldn't put my broken soul back together. It's as if pieces of me have slowly been chipping off and been left at the scene of the break, but in small enough increments that I didn't notice it until a large dent had been made. 

Don't get me wrong--I am so incredibly blessed and I lead an amazing life. In light of all the past week's events, I have realized just how grateful I am for everything (and everyone) around me. But one small thing was missing--gratitude for myself. When I love, I love hard, and on the sometimes unfortunate other side, when I fight, I wage a raging battle. I have slowly learned how to open myself up to all that the Lord has bestowed upon me and to show gratitude for that, but along the way I have forgotten that to truly accept my bounties I must be at peace with myself. I can't appreciate the world if I'm stuck jabbing elbows with my aforementioned self. I am supposed to be a conduit for joy, a soldier for grace, a breathing testimony of my values.  Regardless of where I am in my life, whether I'm alone and hurting or full of smiles and warmth, I want to be able to project my true self and what I stand for to the world. In order to have that ability, I have to stop scolding and reprimanding Me. 

So how do I do that? Forgive. First and foremost, forgive myself for picking up a sword in the first place. Then, dive into apologies for all of the nit-picking, negative comments, and rude remarks that I have dished out to Me like they were nothing but passing words. Forgive myself for hurting, for being broken. Forgive myself for pretending for a moment that I could actually be friends with Mrs. Perfectionist. I think one of the hardest things to learn in life is that forgiveness is not equated with weakness. As Gandhi said, forgiveness is strength. By being gentle with yourself you are not opening cracks for more flaws to crawl in, but rather you are opening doors for boundless opportunities. Easier said than done, I might add.

But one way to start is by changing your thinking. Gently redirect your thoughts and be able to recognize when they are no longer serving your values or your higher purpose. As Martha Beck, writer and contributor to O Magazine, said in one of her blog posts, you must "begin to see where the thoughts you believe most deeply no longer serve to explain the chaos in your life." That is when you know that your reoccurring thoughts have strayed from your core values.

So, as I sit here thinking about being well with my soul and humming a little Mumford and Sons, I realize just how much our relationship with ourselves affects every second of our daily lives. I think sometimes we spend too much time focusing on our networks with others when really we need to be cultivating the most important relationship, that which we will have for the rest of our lives. I know it's not January, but it's never too late to form a new goal: forgive myself. With that will come a gentler spirit and a quieter mind.

xx

To The Core

 “Define what matters to you and actively pursue that direction.” –Martha Beck

Have you ever stopped and thought about what you really want your life to be about? What are you living for? Do you feel like you are living as the person you need to be, that you should, would, could be? Are you believing that you are that person in order to avoid fear? In order to avoid getting caught up by fear and expectations, it is important to define your core values.

What is really important to you? It may be honesty, loyalty, cleanliness, faith, or dependency. Whatever your values, they function as a sort of protective armor against pain. Be careful—they don’t protect against suffering. But they are a toolbox for you to draw on when in the midst of a painful situation—how will you cope, knowing what you truly value? If you value integrity, you may choose to do what your heart is leading you to do even if the path seems unclear or scary. Likewise, if you value gratitude, you will say thank-you to your mind for giving you a thought, even if it is negative, because now you can accept it and watch it float away. Psychologist Stephen Hayes, PhD., says that we often live by self-conceptualizations—statements that your mind makes about you as a person that you implicitly take as literal truths. Just because you thought it doesn’t mean it is real. Radical, huh?

Indeed, part of figuring out your core values means being willing to confront your suffering. Martha Beck said, “Once we’re willing to confront emotional suffering, we begin making choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear”. This helps us to live a more real, fulfilling life. As Beck says, “where we used to think about what was ‘safe’, we now become interested in doing what seems right or fun or meaningful or ripe with possibilities.” And the best thing is that when we live as our true, authentic selves, going through pain only helps us to learn more about ourselves. When you accept your pain, it “leaves you healthier than it found you.” So what kills you doesn't necessarily make you stronger--it just makes you more you, if you accept it and work to heal rather than fight.

Once you figure out you truly value honesty, it makes it hard to justify isolating yourself with your emotions. If, like me, one of your top three core values is affection, you are going against your beliefs by living with self-hatred. Join me in learning to live a life where you are able to turn your outward displays of affection inward.

xx

“When I dare to be powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” –Audre Lorde

On Multi-Tasking

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were not my life..."

-Souza

I know the last thing anyone wants to hear is that the key to happiness is multi-tasking (come on America, as much as we like to put those SuperMoms up there on the pedestal, everyone has to breathe). So let's reframe the word "multi-tasking." (And the notion that somehow I have the key to happiness). How many times have you been suffering and tried to do something to stop the suffering? Probably a lot. It's a natural, ingrained response to pain. However, I argue that it is imperative to be able to hold two things at once. If you are sad, be sad. It's okay to be sad. But what I've learned is that fixating on that sadness and running in circles trying to stop it is a one-way ticket to crazy isn't going to get you anywhere. Accept that emotion and the moment for what it is, and then put it in your pocket. You are sad, but you are also other things. Sometimes suffering can be comforting because it seems that it is all that you know. But accepting it and holding it doesn't mean that you are letting it go. You are merely choosing to focus on a different emotion. 

You can simultaneously hold many emotions--as Spencer Smith and Stephen C. Hayes, experts on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, say, "In any given moment. the issue is the same: Will you feel what you feel when you feel it?" You must be willing to realize that the pain isn't bad--it is just a feeling. You must also be willing to realize that "suffering is no longer synonymous with pain. It is now synonymous with the postponement of living your life in the service of winning the struggle." The pain doesn't have to equal the enemy--you can just carry it in your pocket, acknowledge it. Say hi to it. As Smith and Hayes say, "learn to look at your pain, rather than seeing the world from the vantage point of your pain."

There is an old 1960's slogan that says, "What if they fought a war and nobody came?" What if you were willing to accept your suffering as something getting in the way of your life instead of as an enemy to be defeated?

xx

"...This perspective has helped me to see there no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination." -Souza

by Rene Gruau

On Bravery

"Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know something is worth it. -C. JoyBell C.

I recently had an epiphany of sorts. Now, I am not one of those people who is  all "I'm so wise (insert: holier than thou), let me enlighten you with all of my wisdom." But I am going to share some insight, so deal.

So often in life we are stopped from doing things that we really want to do by fear. And when I say really, I mean really. Like what you want to do. But what's tough is that pretty much no one most people aren't in touch with their authentic selves. That gives Fear and Insecurity free reign to insert themselves into the cracks where your true motives and values are supposed to be. Now I'm not saying that in order to crush those fears you have to all of a sudden "discover yourself." Trust me, I've waited for that spark, for that flash of brilliance where some voice inside my head shouts, "I've got it! This is me!" And as of yet, that voice hasn't spoken up. This post is not about an epiphany of self--it's about an epiphany of facing your fears, despite not knowing your precise goals or motives. 

So here it is, my bit of insight: You don't have to not be afraid in order to face your fears. (I never said I would be eloquent...)  In other words, I feel like most of the time we think that we need to "be strong" and "suck it up" in order to face our demons, in part because of what society has taught us. But really, you just have to walk straight into what scares you the most, regardless of whether you think you can handle it or not. "Walk boldly into that which scares you the most, do the things you think you cannot do, and amaze your own self, brave soul." If Fear's thoughts are beating you up (remember, they are not really your thoughts), make up a new counter-thought. 

But here's the trick: you don't have to believe it. Not yet. You don't have to believe that you can do it just yet--just do it. Because if you spend your whole life waiting for a time when you think you are "strong enough," if you're anything like me, you will end up waiting forever. We have a tendency of setting a mark of when we will be ready, getting there, and then the mark magically inches forward a little, again and again, until we are stuck in this cycle of avoidance. If you feel like you aren't motivated (wow, I've been there), come up with a mantra that is opposite to what Fear is telling you is true, and repeat it to yourself. Sometimes Fear's voice is too loud and we feel like we truly believe what he is saying. Accept that that is where you are. Here is another mind-blowing thing that I have learned--you don't have to believe every thought that you have. Fear's voice may seem so real, but it is ultimately up to you to believe in it. It is the act of coming up with a counter-thought that really matters, even if you can't fully buy into it yet. Just take a step forward and think a different thought, because, well, why not? Be willing to accept another possibility. You may not be "in" 100%, but eventually, that thought will become stronger than those of Mr. Fear and Mrs. Perfectionist. 

You don't have to stay stuck, crippled by fear. And you don't have to sprint forward, all gung-ho about the battle. But you do have to move. You can still be scared as all get-out, but just taking that step will start to quiet the other voices that are getting in the way of your authentic self. 

And that, folks, is what I have to say about that.

xx

A Brief Note

I'm back. Yes, I have been gone for a while, but not without reason. My hiatus has been filled with self-discovery, searching, and some serious thinking. I've been yearning for clarity, in both my thoughts and actions. As Diana Vreeland asserted in the quote above, it is only when you've developed a sense of self and and a peaceful mind that you can focus on channeling that elegance in other areas of your life. So here's to taking time for yourself--time to figure out who "yourself" really is. I have yet to reach the pinnacle of understanding or a complete sense of self, but I am coming to realize that I don't think that is how it works. Life is like a wave--there are crests and falls, times when you're surging ahead, times when you are just coasting, and times when you crash and retreat and feel like you're not really even in the water anymore. It's a process, a process that is constantly unfolding. And it's scary--climbing mountains is dangerous. It's cold, the blizzards cloud the view of the top. The caves beckon with their safe (and sometimes false) sense of warmth and protection. I've been in a cave for a while; they're secure and sheltered. But they box you in and keep you stuck, and the only view is of the blizzard outside. I think life is about taking that step out into the blizzard. What I'm doing now is trying to find a warm coat to carry me through. (And while I'm at it, it doesn't hurt if its a belted, puffy down coat with some faux fur fringing the hood, does it?)

Enjoy.

xx