New Year

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."-John Steinbeck

Looking back on 2013 brings up a whole load of emotions and memories. Being my last year as a teenager, 2013 didn't exactly bring loads of booze, boys, and other *insert crazy adolescent activity here*. No, while others were busy "living it up" or whatever, I was scrambling to keep my life together (or keep my life at all, really). I think my inner self aged about ten years in the span of the one, and now I'm stuck in this awkward limbo where I simultaneously feel like I'm in my mid-thirties and also like I missed out on my teenage years and want to rewind and do it all again. But then I remind myself that unlike many people do when a new year comes around, I don't want a clean slate. I can't afford to rid myself of all the things that have happened to me in the past year. Without the events that unfolded and the knowledge that I gained, I would be little more than a hollow mannequin, a shell of a person with all my hopes and dreams locked up somewhere deep inside and nothing to offer the world but an empty gaze and a blank stare. 

No, this year I'm not "starting over." Rather, I'm continuing. I'm soldiering on. I am working, working, working--on my self-image, on my identity, on my priorities. When I sat down to think about what I want to focus on in the new year, I thought that I pretty much had my priorities straight. Then I realized that, actually, for as long as I can remember, I have been prioritizing the externalities and the people around me and haven't really given a damn about myself. Like, to the point where my life didn't seem as important as other things. How in the world did that happen? Because without my life, I wouldn't be able to sit down with pencil in hand and make a priorities list in the first place. However my train of thought got there, I'm determined to stop it dead in its tracks and get back on the right path--a path where my health and well-being is front and center. Now, it's not a bad thing to care about others, and I would be fooling myself if I thought that I could tone down my concern for the people I care about. But 2013 has taught me that if I truly want to be able to give my all to others, I need to focus on nurturing my self and becoming confident in what I have to give. It's not fair to the world for me to be anything less than what I am.

Now that is a statement that my brain loooovesss to mix up and twist around and re-write and spit out something like "I have to be the very best I can possibly be in every way." And where, yes, this is true, I should strive to be the very best I can be, I have a tendency to re-focus this from where it really matters, like in the heart, the personality, and the personal effort, and tell myself that being my best means being the best. In school, in extracurriculars, in my choices, on the treadmill comparing myself to the girl next to me, at the table where I kick myself for not sitting up straighter. Yes, my perfectionism runs this deep. In 2014, I want to lose this belief--this belief that my personal best means being perfect. What is perfect anyway? If 2013 taught me anything, it's that perfect is just this myth that everyone creates in their head in order to give them a sense of purpose--something they feel like they need to work towards, to strive for. 

Well, this year I want my purpose to be much more than striving for perfection. Forget non-frizzy hair and a "flat" tummy, screw the wheatgrass shots and the non-scuffed boots and the nail polish that never chips. I don't want to follow the fads; I want to anchor myself in something deeper, something that will last. And I want to learn to embrace all that I am and forget about all that I am not. I am above average height, my laugh sometimes sounds like a hyperventilating donkey, I've got a Kardashian ass and the chest of a pre-pubescent boy, but I can walk, run, sing, hug, belly laugh, snuggle with my sister, jump, throw, pet my dog, give Eskimo kisses, fold my hands in prayer, and for all of that, I am thankful. My heart is passionate and beating, my brain is functioning full-speed ahead. I am so very capable--I just need to decide where and when to exert my energy.

I see and hear so many people talking about wanting to reinvent themselves, thinking that shedding pounds or going gluten-free is going to somehow unlock the mysteries of life or release their full potential. Well, all I want is to stay exactly who I am, because I need more time to figure out who that is. I want to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin no matter what society tells me. So, dear 2014, don't hold back--throw it all at me. I'm strong; I can take it. I want to be tested, to learn, to experiment. I want to love deeply and walk boldly. And most of all, I want to be able to look up and enjoy life as it passes. My teenage years may not have been all that the young adult novels promised, but my twenties will be roaring. So come on 2014, I'm ready for ya. 

xx

"I like to dance…some nights, after dinner, my dad turns on some music and we dance."

-Madeline McCallum, journal entry, age 8

A Year Later

"She stared at the stars like they were pillows for her mind and in their light she could rest her heavy mind."

-Christopher Poindexter

It's crazy how even when you're not looking, life happens. Here I am today, looking back at where I was a year ago and trying to fathom how I got here from there. It was not a leap of faith--maybe that's how it started, but that's definitely not all it took. People talk like you just need to take that first jump and things sort of work out, but that's not how it works. (At least not for me…) No, the middle is filled with hard, drudging steps, long days and sleepless nights, and silent tears that not even you understand. Sometimes you see that light on the other end, but sometimes its so dark that you're left grasping for something, anything, to hold onto.

And the thing is, I'm still in the middle. I'm not at the end. (Is anyone ever, really?) But it's so necessary to stop and take account of all the places I've been. My journey is like those maps in rest areas (beautiful comparison, no?) with all the pins marking where the travelers are from. My pins are all spread out, from health to joy to heartbreak to sadness to grief and back across the map again. I picked up something valuable from each stop, no matter how crippling it was. One thing I've learned is you've got to extract the lesson from each experience--you've got to give it meaning. But at the same time, you've got to cherish the experience, then let it go. Set the candle on the river and watch it move off into the distance with each ripple and crest. My mind is so heavy with experience; I've got to breathe in deep and then let it all out.

And then look at everything I have around me, and be grateful. I am so incredibly blessed to be where I am today--and I was so incredibly blessed a year ago, as well. Blessed to have been given an experience through which I could really start to find myself, to cultivate a sense of self that had since been lacking. I am a work in progress, a timeline of hits and misses that add up to the unique position I am in today. The obstacles in my life remind me that I am moving forward. You can't hit a road block without first getting out there on the road. 

Throughout my life, I've always been searching for purpose. As a little girl, I wanted to know why. I asked questions and pondered things deeply, probably deeper than other kids my age. I was sometimes described as "quiet," but the thoughts in my head were very loud. I was always a thinker. I still am. And, just like when I was five, I'm still a purpose seeker. It's hard for me to just be. Well, one thing I've realized this year is that if I get anything out of my adolescent life it's that I've basically been straight-up handed a purpose. Something to fight for. Something to be a champion of. Something to make me a warrior. Like Charles Dickens says in Oliver Twist, "I cannot help this weakness, and it makes my purpose stronger."

Today, the snow is melting and finals are upon us. But I look deep inside and know that if I've made it this far, I can darn well make it further. 

xx

A New Day

"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." 

-Buddha

The amazing thing about time is that it keeps going. It is divided up into todays, yesterdays, and tomorrows that fall about and tumble together into a somewhat confusing albeit exciting compilation that is our life. Yesterday does not determine today; rather, they meld together with the fading of the stars and the rising of the sun. One thing I have learned is that while one particular moment may seem all-consuming and like it is the defining moment of all of your days to come, in reality, it is just that--a particular moment. A mere flicker in the face of time and space. A wrinkle in time, if you will. What may formalize your day is just serving to mold you as a person, to give you the bumps and folds that are necessary to become the final product (which, arguably, you may never reach). The passage of time allows for experience, which is "a particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something." So, by definition, things are going to happen to you. Good things, bad things, but mostly in-between, mundane things. We take these experiences and integrate them into ourself, continually forming a new being, a fresh self. Each morning we wake up with different happenings under our belt which have equipped us to see the world differently. To be trite, we live and we learn, no?

Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, our days are in constant flux. Sometimes we are riding the wave and sometimes we are crashing, flailing beneath the undertow. The thing about a wave though is that while it must crash, it must also recede back into the bigger entity that is the ocean, coasting along until the next tide. Similarly, while we have periods where we are at our lowest of lows, by nature we can't stay there. An object in motion stays in motion or whatever. We keep on moving.

And, if we are so fortunate, we are given another day! How wonderful is it to wake up to a fresh start (particularly today, a new month), knowing that whatever happened yesterday does not to bear on whatever is going to happen today? My September 30 was one of those terrible-no-good-very-bad-days, but I went to bed (fuzzy socks and all) determined to make my October 1st different. It may not be the best day I've ever had, but it won't be as bad as yesterday. All I want is change. And only actions beget change, so the outcome of this day is up to me--what will I do with the time that I have been given? While laying in my bed yesterday for hours upon hours, time a non-issue, I felt that this was my eternity. But, naturally (classic Madeline), I was wrong. A new day has come and a new me commences. What did I learn from my September 30th blues? That I can, in fact, stand up when I am down. That people do care about me and I am not all alone in this world. The world does not exist solely in my head, thank goodness. When I down, I need to get out into the fresh air (hello fall!) and realize that there is so much more than those thoughts swirling around up there.

So today I will pay attention to the leaves crunching under my feet, the slightly-warrmer-than-usual breeze on my cheeks, the way the blue sky outlines the ridges on the top of College Hall. Because tomorrow will be different, so I better enjoy today for what it is. Which is new. 

xx

Bravery Continued

"...For maybe you cannot ever really walk away from the things you most want to walk away from."

 -All The King's Men

I've been stuck for a while--not in the sense of staying still, of not moving forward, but stuck in memories. Memories of times past, of an era of my life that was so integral to the human being that I have become in the past year. Time really is relentless--when you're in it, you're really in it, and you're going through hell and back and it seems like all time has stopped and the only thing to pull you through the universe is the compass that you have to develop yourself. But when it's over, it's over, and suddenly you're back in real life, given the tools to make it through and time just keeps flying and you want to scream to make it stop but you have to learn how to live it. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes a life event can seem so life-altering and so all-inclusive in the moment(s) that it is impossible to imagine life outside of that period. But time goes on, and then you're out, and now what? Now you're stuck with this dream world of times gone by. Do you push the memories away, like it never happened? Or do you curl up into a ball and succumb to the flashbacks, letting them wash over you like a wave that beats gently until you're driftwood? 

I've found that what you need most is to try to incorporate what you learned from that experience into your new reality. And that takes more bravery. It's hard to face up to life after having been in a black hole an alternate universe for a period of time. It takes strength and integrity, a promise that you'll stay true to the person your experience has shaped you to be. It takes a belief in your ability to face what real life has to offer you. You must recognize the fear--the fear that real life won't measure up, the fear that real life will drag you down, the fear that life moves too fast, etc. Then instead of stuffing it away, you acknowledge it and carry it with you, all the time still moving forward. Conquering fear is doing, is living. Fear wants to keep you (or me, as of late) stuck, but if I've learned one thing, it's that you have to jump back in and embrace time again. Your fear is a part of you, your experiences are a part of you, but they are not you. You are a construct of your own making, susceptible only to that which you allow to creep in through your identity via self-doubt. My memories of an era gone by have haunted me only because I've let them do the haunting. I've been unsure of my next step, afraid to take the plunge back into really, truly being me. My next step is to use the memories to my advantage, doing them justice, taking what I've learned from my experiences and applying that to my life now, rather than letting them dominate this new reality. I'm afraid of letting go of who I used to be, who my Fear still wants me to be, but I must persevere. For I'll never know what could be if I never try, and living with regrets is not something I want to add to my list. So here's to new beginnings, to moving forward while still appreciating what has been left behind.

xx

On Fear

"Fears become us, or rather we become them, if we don't put them in their place. The more I cling to having to 'be okay,' the farther from 'okay' I will be." 

--April Dawn Ricchuito

The opposite of freedom is not enslavement. The opposite of freedom is fear. Fear is crippling. It's all-encompassing. It's paralyzing. I am strong, but fear has the power to control me. When I let fear take the wheel, I am giving up a valued life. I am looking on as all of my core beliefs are wrapped around and strangled by something unworthy of all my energy. And that's just it-- what we fear only has power if we give it power. All of our mental energy has to go somewhere. We can either focus it on things that will build us up and enrich our core, or we can hand it over to something else--arguably the much easier task.

We are most susceptible to fear when our lives are out of balance. To find stability, we reach out for something, anything, that resembles control. Fear is the most dominating emotion, one that easily relieves us of our scary instability and replaces it with something that paralyzes us, keeping us stuck in one place. Emphasis on stuck. Yes, we may be grounded, but we can't move forward. The fear works its way into every fiber of our being, controlling our every move so that even every thought we think is focused on avoiding, running, hiding, clinging, submitting.

In essence, fear gives us a motive. Something that looks very enticing to those who feel lost. Our task is to not let fear creep in through the cracks in our armor--armor that is built not of steel but of our core values and beliefs. Those are what keep us truly whole. 

But what if fear has already taken hold? As hard as it may be, the only weapon strong enough to demolish it is opposite action. What is fear telling you to do? Do the opposite. As Dr. Brene Brown said, "We're all afraid. We just have to get to the point where we understand it doesn't mean that we can't also be brave." True strength lies in facing Fear head on and deliberately denying it. "No, you can't have me today." This releases you to focus your energy elsewhere. You may feel vulnerable, but in fact you are just more open to what your life has to offer.

And that, folks, is freedom.

xx

On Forgiveness

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. Not because I am enraged, jealous, or holding a grudge. But because I realized that I have been at war with someone who will never let me win--myself.

My days have been a little hazy and my head has felt confused. At first I just thought that I'd become a little too addicted to my cup of morning joe, but then I realized that even some dark French roast couldn't put my broken soul back together. It's as if pieces of me have slowly been chipping off and been left at the scene of the break, but in small enough increments that I didn't notice it until a large dent had been made. 

Don't get me wrong--I am so incredibly blessed and I lead an amazing life. In light of all the past week's events, I have realized just how grateful I am for everything (and everyone) around me. But one small thing was missing--gratitude for myself. When I love, I love hard, and on the sometimes unfortunate other side, when I fight, I wage a raging battle. I have slowly learned how to open myself up to all that the Lord has bestowed upon me and to show gratitude for that, but along the way I have forgotten that to truly accept my bounties I must be at peace with myself. I can't appreciate the world if I'm stuck jabbing elbows with my aforementioned self. I am supposed to be a conduit for joy, a soldier for grace, a breathing testimony of my values.  Regardless of where I am in my life, whether I'm alone and hurting or full of smiles and warmth, I want to be able to project my true self and what I stand for to the world. In order to have that ability, I have to stop scolding and reprimanding Me. 

So how do I do that? Forgive. First and foremost, forgive myself for picking up a sword in the first place. Then, dive into apologies for all of the nit-picking, negative comments, and rude remarks that I have dished out to Me like they were nothing but passing words. Forgive myself for hurting, for being broken. Forgive myself for pretending for a moment that I could actually be friends with Mrs. Perfectionist. I think one of the hardest things to learn in life is that forgiveness is not equated with weakness. As Gandhi said, forgiveness is strength. By being gentle with yourself you are not opening cracks for more flaws to crawl in, but rather you are opening doors for boundless opportunities. Easier said than done, I might add.

But one way to start is by changing your thinking. Gently redirect your thoughts and be able to recognize when they are no longer serving your values or your higher purpose. As Martha Beck, writer and contributor to O Magazine, said in one of her blog posts, you must "begin to see where the thoughts you believe most deeply no longer serve to explain the chaos in your life." That is when you know that your reoccurring thoughts have strayed from your core values.

So, as I sit here thinking about being well with my soul and humming a little Mumford and Sons, I realize just how much our relationship with ourselves affects every second of our daily lives. I think sometimes we spend too much time focusing on our networks with others when really we need to be cultivating the most important relationship, that which we will have for the rest of our lives. I know it's not January, but it's never too late to form a new goal: forgive myself. With that will come a gentler spirit and a quieter mind.

xx

To The Core

 “Define what matters to you and actively pursue that direction.” –Martha Beck

Have you ever stopped and thought about what you really want your life to be about? What are you living for? Do you feel like you are living as the person you need to be, that you should, would, could be? Are you believing that you are that person in order to avoid fear? In order to avoid getting caught up by fear and expectations, it is important to define your core values.

What is really important to you? It may be honesty, loyalty, cleanliness, faith, or dependency. Whatever your values, they function as a sort of protective armor against pain. Be careful—they don’t protect against suffering. But they are a toolbox for you to draw on when in the midst of a painful situation—how will you cope, knowing what you truly value? If you value integrity, you may choose to do what your heart is leading you to do even if the path seems unclear or scary. Likewise, if you value gratitude, you will say thank-you to your mind for giving you a thought, even if it is negative, because now you can accept it and watch it float away. Psychologist Stephen Hayes, PhD., says that we often live by self-conceptualizations—statements that your mind makes about you as a person that you implicitly take as literal truths. Just because you thought it doesn’t mean it is real. Radical, huh?

Indeed, part of figuring out your core values means being willing to confront your suffering. Martha Beck said, “Once we’re willing to confront emotional suffering, we begin making choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear”. This helps us to live a more real, fulfilling life. As Beck says, “where we used to think about what was ‘safe’, we now become interested in doing what seems right or fun or meaningful or ripe with possibilities.” And the best thing is that when we live as our true, authentic selves, going through pain only helps us to learn more about ourselves. When you accept your pain, it “leaves you healthier than it found you.” So what kills you doesn't necessarily make you stronger--it just makes you more you, if you accept it and work to heal rather than fight.

Once you figure out you truly value honesty, it makes it hard to justify isolating yourself with your emotions. If, like me, one of your top three core values is affection, you are going against your beliefs by living with self-hatred. Join me in learning to live a life where you are able to turn your outward displays of affection inward.

xx

“When I dare to be powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” –Audre Lorde

On Multi-Tasking

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were not my life..."

-Souza

I know the last thing anyone wants to hear is that the key to happiness is multi-tasking (come on America, as much as we like to put those SuperMoms up there on the pedestal, everyone has to breathe). So let's reframe the word "multi-tasking." (And the notion that somehow I have the key to happiness). How many times have you been suffering and tried to do something to stop the suffering? Probably a lot. It's a natural, ingrained response to pain. However, I argue that it is imperative to be able to hold two things at once. If you are sad, be sad. It's okay to be sad. But what I've learned is that fixating on that sadness and running in circles trying to stop it is a one-way ticket to crazy isn't going to get you anywhere. Accept that emotion and the moment for what it is, and then put it in your pocket. You are sad, but you are also other things. Sometimes suffering can be comforting because it seems that it is all that you know. But accepting it and holding it doesn't mean that you are letting it go. You are merely choosing to focus on a different emotion. 

You can simultaneously hold many emotions--as Spencer Smith and Stephen C. Hayes, experts on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, say, "In any given moment. the issue is the same: Will you feel what you feel when you feel it?" You must be willing to realize that the pain isn't bad--it is just a feeling. You must also be willing to realize that "suffering is no longer synonymous with pain. It is now synonymous with the postponement of living your life in the service of winning the struggle." The pain doesn't have to equal the enemy--you can just carry it in your pocket, acknowledge it. Say hi to it. As Smith and Hayes say, "learn to look at your pain, rather than seeing the world from the vantage point of your pain."

There is an old 1960's slogan that says, "What if they fought a war and nobody came?" What if you were willing to accept your suffering as something getting in the way of your life instead of as an enemy to be defeated?

xx

"...This perspective has helped me to see there no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination." -Souza

by Rene Gruau

On Bravery

"Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know something is worth it. -C. JoyBell C.

I recently had an epiphany of sorts. Now, I am not one of those people who is  all "I'm so wise (insert: holier than thou), let me enlighten you with all of my wisdom." But I am going to share some insight, so deal.

So often in life we are stopped from doing things that we really want to do by fear. And when I say really, I mean really. Like what you want to do. But what's tough is that pretty much no one most people aren't in touch with their authentic selves. That gives Fear and Insecurity free reign to insert themselves into the cracks where your true motives and values are supposed to be. Now I'm not saying that in order to crush those fears you have to all of a sudden "discover yourself." Trust me, I've waited for that spark, for that flash of brilliance where some voice inside my head shouts, "I've got it! This is me!" And as of yet, that voice hasn't spoken up. This post is not about an epiphany of self--it's about an epiphany of facing your fears, despite not knowing your precise goals or motives. 

So here it is, my bit of insight: You don't have to not be afraid in order to face your fears. (I never said I would be eloquent...)  In other words, I feel like most of the time we think that we need to "be strong" and "suck it up" in order to face our demons, in part because of what society has taught us. But really, you just have to walk straight into what scares you the most, regardless of whether you think you can handle it or not. "Walk boldly into that which scares you the most, do the things you think you cannot do, and amaze your own self, brave soul." If Fear's thoughts are beating you up (remember, they are not really your thoughts), make up a new counter-thought. 

But here's the trick: you don't have to believe it. Not yet. You don't have to believe that you can do it just yet--just do it. Because if you spend your whole life waiting for a time when you think you are "strong enough," if you're anything like me, you will end up waiting forever. We have a tendency of setting a mark of when we will be ready, getting there, and then the mark magically inches forward a little, again and again, until we are stuck in this cycle of avoidance. If you feel like you aren't motivated (wow, I've been there), come up with a mantra that is opposite to what Fear is telling you is true, and repeat it to yourself. Sometimes Fear's voice is too loud and we feel like we truly believe what he is saying. Accept that that is where you are. Here is another mind-blowing thing that I have learned--you don't have to believe every thought that you have. Fear's voice may seem so real, but it is ultimately up to you to believe in it. It is the act of coming up with a counter-thought that really matters, even if you can't fully buy into it yet. Just take a step forward and think a different thought, because, well, why not? Be willing to accept another possibility. You may not be "in" 100%, but eventually, that thought will become stronger than those of Mr. Fear and Mrs. Perfectionist. 

You don't have to stay stuck, crippled by fear. And you don't have to sprint forward, all gung-ho about the battle. But you do have to move. You can still be scared as all get-out, but just taking that step will start to quiet the other voices that are getting in the way of your authentic self. 

And that, folks, is what I have to say about that.

xx

A Brief Note

I'm back. Yes, I have been gone for a while, but not without reason. My hiatus has been filled with self-discovery, searching, and some serious thinking. I've been yearning for clarity, in both my thoughts and actions. As Diana Vreeland asserted in the quote above, it is only when you've developed a sense of self and and a peaceful mind that you can focus on channeling that elegance in other areas of your life. So here's to taking time for yourself--time to figure out who "yourself" really is. I have yet to reach the pinnacle of understanding or a complete sense of self, but I am coming to realize that I don't think that is how it works. Life is like a wave--there are crests and falls, times when you're surging ahead, times when you are just coasting, and times when you crash and retreat and feel like you're not really even in the water anymore. It's a process, a process that is constantly unfolding. And it's scary--climbing mountains is dangerous. It's cold, the blizzards cloud the view of the top. The caves beckon with their safe (and sometimes false) sense of warmth and protection. I've been in a cave for a while; they're secure and sheltered. But they box you in and keep you stuck, and the only view is of the blizzard outside. I think life is about taking that step out into the blizzard. What I'm doing now is trying to find a warm coat to carry me through. (And while I'm at it, it doesn't hurt if its a belted, puffy down coat with some faux fur fringing the hood, does it?)

Enjoy.

xx