To The Core

 “Define what matters to you and actively pursue that direction.” –Martha Beck

Have you ever stopped and thought about what you really want your life to be about? What are you living for? Do you feel like you are living as the person you need to be, that you should, would, could be? Are you believing that you are that person in order to avoid fear? In order to avoid getting caught up by fear and expectations, it is important to define your core values.

What is really important to you? It may be honesty, loyalty, cleanliness, faith, or dependency. Whatever your values, they function as a sort of protective armor against pain. Be careful—they don’t protect against suffering. But they are a toolbox for you to draw on when in the midst of a painful situation—how will you cope, knowing what you truly value? If you value integrity, you may choose to do what your heart is leading you to do even if the path seems unclear or scary. Likewise, if you value gratitude, you will say thank-you to your mind for giving you a thought, even if it is negative, because now you can accept it and watch it float away. Psychologist Stephen Hayes, PhD., says that we often live by self-conceptualizations—statements that your mind makes about you as a person that you implicitly take as literal truths. Just because you thought it doesn’t mean it is real. Radical, huh?

Indeed, part of figuring out your core values means being willing to confront your suffering. Martha Beck said, “Once we’re willing to confront emotional suffering, we begin making choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear”. This helps us to live a more real, fulfilling life. As Beck says, “where we used to think about what was ‘safe’, we now become interested in doing what seems right or fun or meaningful or ripe with possibilities.” And the best thing is that when we live as our true, authentic selves, going through pain only helps us to learn more about ourselves. When you accept your pain, it “leaves you healthier than it found you.” So what kills you doesn't necessarily make you stronger--it just makes you more you, if you accept it and work to heal rather than fight.

Once you figure out you truly value honesty, it makes it hard to justify isolating yourself with your emotions. If, like me, one of your top three core values is affection, you are going against your beliefs by living with self-hatred. Join me in learning to live a life where you are able to turn your outward displays of affection inward.

xx

“When I dare to be powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” –Audre Lorde

On Multi-Tasking

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were not my life..."

-Souza

I know the last thing anyone wants to hear is that the key to happiness is multi-tasking (come on America, as much as we like to put those SuperMoms up there on the pedestal, everyone has to breathe). So let's reframe the word "multi-tasking." (And the notion that somehow I have the key to happiness). How many times have you been suffering and tried to do something to stop the suffering? Probably a lot. It's a natural, ingrained response to pain. However, I argue that it is imperative to be able to hold two things at once. If you are sad, be sad. It's okay to be sad. But what I've learned is that fixating on that sadness and running in circles trying to stop it is a one-way ticket to crazy isn't going to get you anywhere. Accept that emotion and the moment for what it is, and then put it in your pocket. You are sad, but you are also other things. Sometimes suffering can be comforting because it seems that it is all that you know. But accepting it and holding it doesn't mean that you are letting it go. You are merely choosing to focus on a different emotion. 

You can simultaneously hold many emotions--as Spencer Smith and Stephen C. Hayes, experts on Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, say, "In any given moment. the issue is the same: Will you feel what you feel when you feel it?" You must be willing to realize that the pain isn't bad--it is just a feeling. You must also be willing to realize that "suffering is no longer synonymous with pain. It is now synonymous with the postponement of living your life in the service of winning the struggle." The pain doesn't have to equal the enemy--you can just carry it in your pocket, acknowledge it. Say hi to it. As Smith and Hayes say, "learn to look at your pain, rather than seeing the world from the vantage point of your pain."

There is an old 1960's slogan that says, "What if they fought a war and nobody came?" What if you were willing to accept your suffering as something getting in the way of your life instead of as an enemy to be defeated?

xx

"...This perspective has helped me to see there no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination." -Souza

by Rene Gruau